If we can't beat them, and we don't want to join them, maybe we can just learn to survive with our dignity mostly intact. So, in the spirit of coping with one of modern life's most degrading realities, here are ten simple commandments to follow when leaving any comment, anywhere.
#1. It’s Not a Fact. Period.
I happen to be old enough to remember a world where facts actually existed. You could open up any newspaper, leather-bound encyclopedia, almanac or textbook and have a bounty of authentic, God-given facts at your fingertips. But today facts are an endangered species, like unicorns or dinosaurs. You hardly ever see one anymore.
In the rare event that you happen to be in possession of one of these mythological anachronisms, just write it down and let everyone judge for themselves. That’s what people do best anyway. And in case you thought you found a loophole by writing “period” instead, forget about it, everyone’s on to you. End of discussion.
#2: The Return Button Is Your Friend
It might be labeled Enter on your keyboard—either way, use it. No one wants to wade through an unbroken block of text spanning the entire vertical length of their screen. Most readers, even intractable comments hounds like myself, will simply skip these. It’s the absolute quickest way to convey at a mere glance that your opinion is almost certainly devoid of all worth.
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy proclaimed that the single most important item any interstellar traveler can posses is a towel. Not because a towel is so incredibly useful in and of itself, but because a prominently displayed towel strongly implies that you also have the many other accoutrements one might need to not be a general nuisance, and that you’ve likely showered recently.
Breaking up your meticulously crafted manifesto into a beautifully Feng Shui’ed piece of art is more or less the same thing. It gives the strong impression that you’re not a complete idiot. Also, comments sections tend to have very narrow margins, so hit that Return key accordingly.
#3 Nazi Fast
I shouldn’t even have to say this, but apparently I do. Any reference whatsoever to Nazis, Fascism (do you even know what this means?) Himmler, Hitler and so on is an immediate conversation ender.
I know what you’re thinking: my Congressman (or favorite radio personality) does it all the time, so what’s the big deal? Here’s the difference: your Congressman is speaking to a very specific, pre-screened audience who they already know likes that sort of thing.
So, if you happen to be posting on a site named KittensAreTotalDicks.com, or similar, by all means, Goebbels away. The rest of us don’t want to hear it. We’ll just think you’re a total dick, and move on.
#4. Foreign Exchange Prudent
I’m no stickler for grammar and spelling. You know what I mean? Sure you do. But even I have my limits. At some point I’m just going to stop taking your very important argument seriously. Unless, that is, you apologize upfront for your poor English and let us know that English is, in fact, you’re second, third or, wait for it… fourth language. Now I feel like the idiot. Please go on.
Wiley Eastern Europeans and South Americans have been roasting this old chestnut for years, to great effect. It’s time we take it back and put it to work right here in the good old US of A.
So what if you were born and raised in Connecticut or Texas? The fact that you are patently unable to put two sentences together with crazy glue is not your fault. And it certainly doesn’t detract from the possibly brilliant argument you’re failing to get anyone to understand. If anything, it’s a systematic failure of the American public education system. So screw them. Take back the respect you deserve and let everyone know you no speekee Englise so good.
#5 ALL CAPS!!!
Just don't.
#6 Be Animated There are truly moments in every serious conversation when the best, dare I say, only way to adequately express yourself is with a GIFF of Carmelo Anthony pulling that “you did what?” face.
Words, especially when you put three or more of them in a row, can really start to cause problems. Anyone with a girlfriend and the ability to text already knows this. It’s why the most technologically advanced race on the planet invented emoji.
Animated GIFs are just bigger and better and more culturally relevant. Use them like they’re going out of style, which won’t ever happen.
Personally, I have categorized folders full of the things that I’ve been collecting for the better part of a decade. Carlton from The Fresh Price of Bel Air dancing like a crazed preppy? Pure joy. Bryan Cranston from Breaking Bad delivering a clearly well deserved beat down? I hate to do it, but I will. Monkeys doing monkey things? Buckets full of them.
Some forum moderators may ask you to refrain from using animated GIFS in certain threads for various reasons. Please just take these warnings as a suggestion. If the moderator really gets on your case about it, just post back a puppy begging forgiveness. Only a Fascist could stay angry after seeing that.
#7 Keep You’re Briefs On
A wise man never once said, “brevity is the sincerest form of flattery,” but he should have. So unless the wisdom you’re working so verbosely to impart truly merits those additional fourteen paragraphs (it doesn’t) just get to the point and stop wasting everybody’s time.
#8 Conspiracy Do
I don’t care what we’re talking about: it could be the latest movie based on a young-adult novel, the Colombian peso exchange rate or a billionaire’s secretive purchase of all the world’s major robot manufacturers—if you can even half-reasonably connect it to an existing or, even better, a brand new conspiracy theory, you have my full attention. Maybe that’s just me. Not sure.
#9 Watch Your Tone, Buddy
I’m sure that your life is pretty much a non-stop Liam Neeson movie, and that you actually do have a “particular set of skills”. I just highly suspect those skills have more to do with popping zits on your own ass than popping caps in other peoples’.
How do I know this? Because you’re anonymously threatening a more-or-less complete stranger in an online forum about the coolest Pokemon. First off, it’s Bulbasaur you noob. What’s more, you’re almost certainly doing this tough guy routine from your bedroom in your parents’ house. At least I hope you are.
People are very sensitive; even a seemingly harmless “buddy, dearie, or darling” at the end of a sentence can quickly escalate into a full-blown Apple Vs. Android conflagration causing untold collateral-psyche-damage across an entire comments thread. Stop the madness before it begins and be nice to each other. Or don’t. Some of these get pretty funny.
#10 The Leftovers
Don’t use the comments section to promote your new erotic novel, rap album, social movement, new-age miracle cure, YouTube channel, or anything else really—unless explicitly appropriate.
Don’t spoil it. Seriously, it’s not all that impressive that you read a whole book and know what’s about to happen next—I’m looking at you Game of Thrones weekly recap commenters. I understand it didn’t even seem like a spoiler when you wrote it, but it was. Just err on the side of caution and keep these forums a safe place for fans.
Don’t ask me to like you on Facebook. I don’t and I wont.
In theory it’s fine to utilize that age-old American literary tradition known as sarcasm. In practice, if you keep having to follow up with multiple posts explaining that, “it’s called sarcasm you idiot,”—you’re probably doing it wrong and should stop.
Finally, if you post you will receive criticism, some of it unwarranted. Don’t take it personally. The truth is you posted under an anonymous name and got attacked by someone willfully calling themselves “KornDoggie69”, or “Troll4Eva”. Need you say more?
